What’s in a name

I was thinking back on a previous post, where I was mourning the loss of Izzy’s birth name.  When I wrote that I felt overcome by grief and that felt ok, understandable, expected even.  But now I find myself in an altogether different place; it actually pains me to think I haven’t always known Izzy was Izzy.  I no longer grieve,  and I don’t miss the child that was here before.  That child just seems like an empty shell, a costume that my daughter was forced to wear.  Was she really ever a boy?

Perhaps this is partly because of Izzy’s own view of the past; she wants it removed.  Hearing her old name or pronouns used distresses her.  She tells me she feels both sad and angry when people do that (and it is only ever accidental, aside from when Freddie does it, but that’s a whole other post I need to get written).  When I hear male pronouns, or her birth name used I have to hold back tears.  It actually hurts my heart, and I know without doubt that it is unintentional, but still it feels like a slap in the face…Because I want to forget.  I want to forget that as a mother, I didn’t know that my child was in pain.  I didn’t know she’d arrived in the wrong body.  I don’t know if that feeling will ever leave me, guilt.  So perhaps forgetting, for now, is my way of coping.

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6 comments

  1. It may be difficult to grasp when your daughter does not seem to be what you thought she’d be. A mother’s love is to wnt to best for her child. But what when nature has decided to trick the world? When your daughter in heart and kidneys feel being a boy, would it not be better to have her checked by medics who can find out hos she really is inside. And when they find out her feelings are intensely an expression of her on mins, why not respect those inner feelings and live with them?

    Remember that when she got born you got a daughter, but now you know what she really wants to be. So why now not see that you have gotten a new child, a boy?
    Recognise Izzy’s own view of the past and respect that she wants it removed. You write “Hearing her old name or pronouns used distresses her.” so why should this name be continuously in the picture? Lets forget that name and build on a new world, the one of a bright future for your boy.

    Good luck with those difficult moments of wondering and questioning.

    God bless you both.

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    • Thanks for taking the time to comment, but I think you may be misunderstandings my post/blog. Izzy (though not her real name) is my child’s transitioned name. She was born a boy and socially transitioned to live as a girl when she was 4.5 years old. Two months ago.

      The post “what’s in a name” talks about how we both feel when others accidently use her birth name, I’m saying not only does it distress Izzy but also me. I’m saying it hurts that I didn’t always know she was trapped inside the wrong body.

      So just to recap Izzy was born a boy. Izzy is now living as a girl and that is her new name. Please do read the rest if my blog, you may be pleasantly surprised. X

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  2. I cannot imagine what a difficult journey there is when parents find out that their child is transgender. I transitioned, male to female, at the age of 56. After years of trying to fit in the world as a man. I can feel some of Izzy’s pain, perhaps, on hearing the wrong pronouns. You and your spouse are such loving parents.

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