Maybe I’m just tired, but tonight for the first time since we took the plunge in to Izzy’s social transition I feel that weight in my chest again. I feel sad. Really sad. I think it’s grief.
I was lying there next to Izzy while she fell asleep and it hit me – that name we gave her the day she was born, is now obsolete. I loved that name. So much so that I can’t bear to use an alternative here. I miss saying it. I miss the sound of it. I miss all the versions of it that we used. I miss the ease of which I used it, nothing to explain, nothing unusual, nothing different.
I think I miss how simple life was when we had that name. We had nothing to explain, defend, protect or fight for with that name. There were no threats that by using that name we were causing family rifts or accusations that we were causing psychological damage to our children and potential damage to other peoples children.
That name was beautiful. Her new name is beautiful but I miss the old one. I really miss it. Probably just really tired.